Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize