We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
