so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
