3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
