He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
