anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
