so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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