My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
