Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
