I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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