I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
