Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
