I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
