Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
