my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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