pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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