If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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