Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
