in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
