So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
