I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
