The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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