Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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