you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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