I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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