You work out of a Hotel?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
