You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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