Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
