I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
