Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize