no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
