There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
it's like iHOP with fire
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
