My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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