Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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