he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
