Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
