Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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