I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
