Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
