i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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