I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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