i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Is Oprah even human
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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