i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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