She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I want to be your penis for a week.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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