your thong is hanging out like whoa
thus making me awesome and them whores
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
