Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
