Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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