How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
