I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Randomize
