The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
