I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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