can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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