Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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