I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
