Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
