Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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