If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I came so hard my ears popped.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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