I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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